friends

I received this fantastic email from a friend, then passed it on to a handful of friends, one of whom posted it on her blog.  Huh.  There's a novel idea.  Well, YAHOOIE for that, because I get to put some new content on my site without having to write much.  Which is good because I'm on my monthly dose of chemo this week, and the writing's just not flowing...

They call this chemo-brain.  It's like the process I have to go through to convice myself that taking a nap is better that just being a grouchy blob on the couch just to be upright for a few hours a day.

Anyway, this is a great story.  Enjoy!

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all..

One is Evil.  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

...that I don't bitch and moan on this website.  It's not that I'm trying to hide anything, it's just that I fully believe that there is an upside to everything.  For every bad, there is a good.  Even if the good is not visible on a given day, it's just ahead, I just have to be patient, or learn the lesson.  Never mind that it''s generally far more healing for me to write about the positive than to dwell on negative.

But I've been really crabby and ungrateful - last week was a hell of a week in terms of medication and side effect adjustments.  As in goodbye steroid-induced manic superwoman, hello and welcome back, Keppra-induced brain fog, headaches and fatigue.  

So I was preparing a terrible, long-winded post about breaking my rule, insert bitching and moaning here, a little "poor me" on top, and just before hitting publish...

The mail arrived.  With a package from someone I've never met in person, but who has become a good friend via email, Facebook and blogging since my diagnosis.   Laurel Hermanson sent me a copy of her novel, Soft Landing, and a gift card to Trader Joe's.  Wrapped in Girlbert-green paper, tied up in a shiny, brown bow.  Oh, and a lovely card with a very touching sentiment.  It made me laugh.  It produced a smile from a face puffy and tear-streaked after days of hysterical unreasonableness (poor Boyfriend!)  I wanted to run right up to Portland and hug her.

Someone I've never met.  Wait - there are so many of you whom I've never met.  And you send your positivity and love and well wishes and kind, generous gifts.  And suddenly I remembered all the people and things I have to be grateful for.

Yesterday was my last day of radiation treatment!  And what a day it was.  Just pure joy, thankfulness, another undescribable, words-just-can't-touch-it-kind-of-day.  But of course, I will haplessly attempt it...

I picked up celebratory cupcakes at Crushcakes Cupcakery (they were fabulously accomodating, again!) for all of my my now dear friends at the Cancer Center of Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara County Clinic and Pharmacy, and other doctors.  As I went to my final treatment, last day appointments and picked up my new assortment of medicine for the steroid taper-down (WOO HOO!) that will occur over the next month, I found myself sad to say goodbye, but hoping the next time I see them is at the grocery store, in a restaurant, or the theatre.  Where I will run up and give them hugs, and they'll wonder who is this girl, all healthy, and with hair?

So what's next for Girlbert?  Well, there's certainly no going back to normal, since there never really was a normal to begin with. 

But I tried as best I could to allow myself to do as much of NOTHING as I could muster today.  Boyfriend, too.  But with all the activity, the schedule of having to be SOMEWHERE, six days a week, often changing multiple times a day, with a moment's notice, there's certainly a lot of catching up to be done.  Medi-Cal denial still waiting in the wings.  Social Security paperwork and requirements to tidy up.  Charity applications to fill out.  And the regular stuff of figuring out how to cook, clean, and work to pay rent and bills.

My next MRI and doctor follow-up appointments aren't for over a month - after the holidays.  My doctors tell me that although the chemo and radiation have stopped, changes will continue to occur over the next month, and so a picture and any discussion aren't necessary until then.  So more wait and see.  But time to rest and enjoy the holidays, which is a tremendous blessing!

And finally, some more attention for my horse.  I might even read a book or a magazine.  Or take a picture of a bird.  Let the real healing begin.

I need new words.  If I could ask just ONE MORE THING of the Universe, it would be for new and improved words that could come just even close to the MAGNITUDE of what happened on Saturday.  I've made up words before - INCREDITUDE, for instance, but we already used that one.  In fact it became the name of the party - my fabulous friend and brilliant hostess Jill Freeland's idea.

But to make up a word, or even multiple words for how I felt on Saturday - JUST NOT POSSIBLE.

So all I can do is thank you all.  For being there.  For your energy.  For your kindness.  For your love.  And the gifts...

Unbelievable.  And so helpful.  I'm still at a complete loss as to how to express the overwhelming love that I feel for you all.

Thank you.

Some very  kind and generous friends are throwing us a fundraising party to help us on our healing journey.  We couldn't be more thankful and humbled by this overwhelming gesture.

INCREDITUDE - A Fundraiser to Assist Lisa and Eric on Their Healing Journey

To RSVP, look at a map, and get more party details, please visit the event page on Pingg.

Want to help with the party?  Anything to assist Jill and Dirk in putting together this amazing effort would be so appreciated!  If you have time to help set up, or connections in any of the following areas, please contact Jill directly.

• Entertainment, music
• Wine, alcohol (bottled water for me!)
• Food, catering
• Fine Art for the Silent Auction
• Someone to capture candid photos

View the Silent Auction Gallery here.

We don't have a monetary goal in mind, for several reasons:
We have plenty of ideas for ways people can help us if they simply have time or used items to donate.  We also want some amount of what people would like to contribute be in the form of credit at groceries, markets, and complementary health care centers that we frequent to assist me in complementing the Tuber Removal Program.  View the full wish list and party details here.

A lot has happened!  And I intended to write everday, but I've been allowing Boyfriend to step in with major updates, because we're on the low-stress-for-Girlbert-program.  And I've been trying to be a good girl, despite some peaking (drug-induced) creative and physical energy.

So this is long-winded, but hopefully broken down into enough chunks that you can all manage, whether you choose to skim it over or swallow it whole.  I did attempt to put in some kind of order of importance...

Medi-Cal Continues To Give Me Seizures
    Boyfriend touched on this in his birthday post from yesterday, but after 7 months of hoops with Medi-Cal, I have been informed of denial due to a technicality.  My case has been closed, and I will have to appeal the denial, as well as REAPPLY and start the process over to get the ball rolling back in my court again.  7 months, people.  And this is after my Ninja Neurologist got me on the fast-track to approval with a letter stating that I may not be alive in a year without treatment.  Unbelievable, but as always, we'll deal.  We're putting our heads down with some social workers and lawyer friends, and we'll get it turned around.  The squeaky wheel plan continues.

Treatment Is Going Well
I am really happy to report that two weeks into chemo and radiation, I've had no debilitating side effects.  All the medication I'm on has side effects, don't get me wrong, but I'm managing very well with rest, good food, a regular schedule, and loads and loads of meditation to keep my mind in order.  My docs warned me that the irritation of radiation would cause some more swelling and sure enough, my seizures have increased a bit - I have one or two mild, conscious episodes a day, but only one like the episode Boyfriend wrote about on Friday, and nothing like that since.  I took my activity level down a notch (steriods make me feel like Superwoman!) after Friday, and my Ninja Nuerologist tweaked my seizure meds and added a sedative/anti-seizure drug for me to take at night to sleep.  

My docs have all warned me that the further I get into radiation, the more side effects I may experience, as the tuber dies off (ba-bye little tuber!), and my brain may become more irritated throughout.  But we're all prepared to deal - I'll get to take more naps, maybe!

The oral chemo is going really smoothly.  The anti-nasuea drug seems to be doing the trick, not to mention I take my one, oral dose right before bed on an empty stomach.  My only complaint is that one of the major side effects is, of course, CONSTIPATION.  So despite the fact we're still pretty high raw, juicing like fiends, and I'm downing water like it's going out of style, hello hemmoroids!  Good times, but not that I don't have the experience to handle it.  So back to Alice I'll go, as necessary.  I'll need a good cleanse when this is all over, anyway.

So just how is Au-Naturale-Girlbert and her complementary treatment plan really feel about all the drugs and western medicine?  That it's the right thing for my body, right now.  I'm grateful for it, and know this is the route I need to take to heal my body, and ELIMINATE THE TUBER.  But I'm asking LOTS of questions.  Every side effect, every medication and dosage change.  And my doctors have thoroughly explained to me the necessity and purpose of each drug so that I understand the benefits for any detriments.  My comfort level with all of it is quite high.  My only concern is that my mind stay sharp and functional, and hasn't seemed to be an issue with all the increased spiritual practice.  My mind is as clear and grounded as it's ever been, despite all the drugs.  I couldn't feel more blessed.

About My Weight
Many of you have asked if I'm eating.  Yeah, I'm skinny.  Too skinny.  Skinnier than I've ever been, but I'm ravenous!  But I agree that checking in at 5'8" and under 120 pounds is a bit disconcerting (haven't weighed anywhere near that since MIDDLE school!), so I asked Uber-Oncologist Dr. G, about it before I even began treatment.
"I have one more question."  At 6pm, the tail-end of our squeezed-in appointment to get some questions answered before I begain treatmment the following week.
"Sure - what's that?"  He turned toward me, from the computer monitor full of my scans and charts.
"I've lost a lot of weight - more than 15 pounds in a couple of months - is that the steroid making my metabolism go wild or something?  I though steoids were supposed to make me gain wight.  My energy has been really high, and I know they have that effect, too."
"How's your appetite?"
"I've been ravenous."
"Have you been thirsty?  Having to urinate a lot?"
"Really thirsty and I have to pee all the time."
"Hmm.  Your blood sugar was pretty high in the hospital," he referred to his computer screen for reference, "126.  Steroids can cause diabetes."
The tears came instantly.  "That's in my family history," I whimpered.  The D-word.  After watching many family members struggle with diabetes, my ultimate health goal had been to keep myself from ever having to hear a doctor tell me I had the D-word.  Cancer schmancer.
Dr. G shook his head reassuringly.  "Dont worry - medically-induced diabetes is totally reversible.  But we'll ckeck your blood sugar in your blood tests anyway to make sure."
My blood test the next day showed my blood sugar back to normal.  Whew.

In the meantime, I shared this story with my brother, who shares my ultimate health goal of avoiding the D-diagnosis.
Perhaps channeling our Grandma T's (sometimes inappropriate) sense of humor, he exclaimed, "Oh my - 118 pounds?  Brain cancer is like the best weight loss program ever!"

And we laughed, because we're Tomlins.

About That Trip Up North...
Boyfriend already touched on this in his earlier post, and I've been meaning to, oh, but for the time of really doing the words justice!

Here's the bomb: Following my treatment at the end of November, we'll be moving up to Marin County, CA - the lovely town of Fairfax, to be precise.

So you remember that trip, over a month ago, now?  I experienced a profound shift while visiting our dear friends in Fairfax, and sensed an overwhelming connection to the place as a healing center.  A mecca, even.  Upon driving into town the first time, we came upon healing center after local market, after meditation retreat center after organic restaurant after holistic health care office, and my only thought was that this was the place for me.  Seem abrupt?  All I can say is that it immediately resonated with me at such a high level, it couldn't be ignored, and the 7 days we spent there only confirmed what I knew in that initial moment.  Boyfriend and I both experienced a huge shift in our relationship during our stay, and we're not attributing that to any accident.  We also deepened our relationship with the dear friends who put us up for the week, and can hardly wait to live in their community.  Not to mention a much better proximity to a major University Hospital, more dear friends, and the Neuro-Accupuncturist I will continue to see throughout my healing journey.  The utmost importance has been placed on my health, increased autonomy, adjacency to nature, proximity and access to like-minded, spirit-driven people, continued healing,  and happiness.

Friends and Family Visiting
I've just wrapped up well-timed visits from friends and family this week.  A great girlfriend from Wisconsin was here over the weekend with her little boy, and such a treat to spend time with them - it'd been over a year since I'd seen her last.  The magic of spending time with children - very healing.  Then my baby cousin (okay, so she's 24!), whom I haven't seen for over 12 years, and her boyfriend stayed with us Wednesday night, and I couldn't be more thrilled to see her and connect with out-of-touch family at this time in my life.  The universe continues to astound...

Relief Is On The Way
In the form of more family coming in to help out, as Boyfriend and I continue to manage schedules, work, and appointments.  We couldn't be more thrilled that my mom will be here next Tuesday for eight days to help out with driving, erranding, cooking and whatever.  Not too mention lots of hugs and love.  Just the relief of not having to drive me to treatment everyday will free up Boyfriend's schedule immensely to get some much needed work done, which will help our financial situation tremendously.  Then Boyfriend's parents will be coming on November 4th for about two weeks, and we're are thrilled for the company and help. They have lots of friends in CA, too, to they're looking at it as a double treat.  Can't wait to see you all.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

That about wraps it up!
Please keep in mind that I share my journey on this blog because I believe it is a powerful tool to help me heal.  Your traffic, you comments, your positive energy - I FEEL all of it, and be assured that what you put out into the universe in a loving way will come back to you in amazing and profound ways.  So leave your love here, and you'll heal yourself...

Whether you want to be like your parents or not, you always have much more in common with them than you think.  Their characters become part of your character.  Where do you think your quirks come from?  Some of your best qualities as well as what you'd might consider flaws?  Our parents are  our greatest teachers because they're our mirrors.  Next time you're complaining about something that your parents do that drives you up a wall, think about whether that is something that you'd like to change about yourself.  Because you can't change them, but you can change yourself.

My parents, Boyfriend and I were having dinner last night, and as I went to cut my corn off the cob, my mother asked me, "Where and why did you learn to do that?"  Everyone else was picking up their corn cobs and just eating the corn directly.

"Oh, I do that because I don't like the corn in my teeth.  I saw someone do it at a dinner party somewhere, and thought it was a good idea."

Mom declared, "I always wondered about that, because you didn't get it from us."

Dad concluded, "So you just pick up random idiosyncrasies from people?"

Not sure that cutting my corn off the cob suffices as a random idiosyncrasy, but whatever.  "If they seem like a good idea.  But I carry a paper towel in my hand everywhere I go - because you do."

My dad smiled at himself and chuckled.  "Well, I got that from your grandmother, she always had to have a tissue in her sleeve."

What are your parentally-acquired idiosyncrasies..uh, I mean, character traits?

Since Brain Tumor (SBT), many people have told me what an inspiration I am.  My boyfriend keeps reminding me.  I keep rolling my eyes.  Because while I'm certainly honored to be able to inspire others, I know I'm not positive all the time.  It's been one peak followed by many valleys, then the occasional peak, followed by more valleys.  Don't get me wrong, I've witnessed the power of positive energy - and I've been blessed by it's benefits.  But I've also spent too much time ridden with guilt.  Guilt over feeling as though I'm a burden.  Financially and emotionally, on my friends and my family.  On Boyfriend.  He's seen me cry, cry, and cry some more over the last month, and on my worst days, I worry that the crying alone will bring him to the conclusion that I'm not worth the trouble, no matter how inspiring, amazing, and beautiful I may be on my best days.

Silly girl.

Guilt is really the most useless of all feelings.  I'm an advocate for feeling what you need to feel, whether it be sadness, anger, or whatever.  Let it out.  Don't hold it in, or it will eat you alive.  First-hand experience has made me wiser than I once was about keeping things to myself.  This is easier said than done, because guilt is it's own planet.  I've spent entirely too much energy feeling guilty over that which is out of my control.  Focusing on my mistakes.  Dismissing my accomplishments and the gifts I have to offer.  It doesn't do us any good, that guilt.  If you have truly done something to warrant feelings of guilt, do something about it, make the wrong a right, and MOVE ON.  Most of our feelings of guilt are just assumptions that a we've made someone feel bad, and you know what?  That someone can talk to me about it and we can work it out, or he can hold it against me, and it's out of my hands.  It's HIS problem, and I can't be responsible for how SOMEONE ELSE feels.

None of us can.

But I can take responsibility for my own happiness.  Just like I did almost two years ago, when I decided I needed to come to California.  By myself.  So I did.  And it taught me that if I do the best thing for myself, it will be the best thing for everyone else, too.

As Boyfriend continues to remind me; I have my words, my positive energy and my love.  If I can give that, and someone gets something out of it, if someone is inspired to do something nice for someone else, well, that's a pretty big gift for everyone, myself included. 

We all have gifts to give.  What are yours?  Remind yourself. (In the comments, of course!)

I'm one of those, "It's merely a flesh wound!" kind of people.  Can't stop.  Never give up.  Even when I'm hobbling around with a limb missing.  Offers of assistance are often countered with, "Nope, I got it!" I suffer from bouts of extreme guilt, worried that I may not deserve what help I do receive.  And God forbid I ask for help, even when I've fallen and can't get up.

But I'm changing.  Slowly, but surely.  I had a breakthrough on the asking-for-help business while in Colorado.  My new friend Frances let me help her in her garden for a couple of days in exchange for some herbal advice, essential oils and a plant brushing healing ceremony that we did together while I was at her Frogworks Studio.  

"Are we square, Frances?"
"Sure we are - you spent two days helping me in the garden."
"Don't give too much away, you did a lot for me..."  Suddenly, it was like I was talking to myself.

Several people took me aside during my Colorado visit and said, "If you ever need anything, just ask."  Apparently lot of people love me and would do anything for me.  Huh. 

If only I would ask.