Okay, I'll admit it. In between thankfully longer and longer stretches of positivity, I still have plenty of bouts of uncertainty. So I keep a log of some of the best advice I receive from so many of the amazing people in my life, and check in with it when I need a boost. Here are some of the gems I've collected so far:
On getting back to life: Don't BE the disease. Get back to life. Get back to living. Got it.
On going back to work: Don't worry about going back to work just yet. You've still got 11 rounds of chemo, and I don't think you could work full-time until that's over. Just concentrate on staying well. Check.
On money: You will always have what you need, when you need it. Okay...
On stress: Cut yourself some slack - we've had a really hard couple of years. Right. It'll get better. Thanks, Dad.
On what to do next: You've been blessed with the opportunity to figure out what you really want in life. Take it! Yessir! Now's the time to learn something new. Take some classes, maybe go back to school. Doing it! Maybe you should write a book. Been thinking about that, actually...
On my horse career: You've got this crazy ability to read horses. Use it! Working on it! Why aren't you teaching riding lessons? You need to be teaching riding lessons! Yes ma'am!
On spirituality: When you remember who you are, and I remember who I am, we remember: We are ONE. YES!
On blogging: You might run out of stuff to write about on that blog of yours. Never!
I started this blog with the intention of sharing fun things that I was learning and doing, along with a little insight into "Life after Divorce" and my subsequent Relocation to California. I wanted to send a message of hope to women going through similar circumstances, maybe wondering what do do next after such a Major Life Event. Because maybe they had friends who chose the "other half" of the relationship, as I did. Maybe they had family members who were confused and hurt after someone they considered to be a member of their family was suddenly extracted from their lives. Maybe they were feeling guilty that despite all of their best intentions, they just couldn't make it work. Or maybe they were the half of the couple left standing there, wondering, "Wait, what just happened?" I wanted to reassure fellow divorced gals that they'd get through it and be happy again. Because I was living proof of Life After Divorce. Right?
Then, a couple of months into blogging, I suddenly had a lot more to write about. A lot more to learn. A lot more to share. Suddenly, I needed reassuring that it was all going to be okay, that I would get through it, and be happy again. I wondered, "What does Life After Brain Cancer feel like?" I had already survived the Big D and Leaving Friends and Family in search of A New Start in California, so I was sure there must be life on the other side of a silly old brain tumor! Right?
The last couple of years have certainly presented a series of hurdles, from further divorce drama to crappy cancer to the latest blow: bankruptcy. Jeez, what's next, Universe?When could I get on with it, already?
But I was starting to notice a trend: Stuff just keeps happening! One obstacle after another, then another? Get to "the other side" of one hurdle and there's something else waiting? Wait a minute - that can't be right! Could it?
So it struck me that maybe I had it backwards: You don't get through Stuff to get to Life, but Stuff is what makes Life. Maybe instead of looking at it as a series of hurdles to overcome, why not think of it as all just ONE CRAZY EXPERIENCE. Sort of a winding, connect-the-dots path, leading me from one (sometimes BIG) experience to the next; ultimitely writing the story of my life, creating the ever-evolving, new-and-improved, latest version of ME. Right!
So I hate to break it to everybody, but Stuff is part of Life, and Life, well, it just continues. As people have begun to ask me, "How's Life After Cancer?" and "How does it feel to be Cancer-Free?", I get a little weirded out. I mean, the "After" implies something is Over. Done. The End. But Cancer is a chapter of the story of my life and the story continues. It's a part of who I am, a dot on my winding path, and will never be something that never happened.
Life after Divorce? Life after Cancer? Life after Bankruptcy? There is always life after anything and everything. Because as it turns out, it's all LIFE, and it's up to us to choose how to LIVE it. I choose to live in humility, health, and HAPPINESS. With a side of rainbows and a chocolate-covered cherry on top!
The last couple of weeks have been tough. Busy, busy, busy - like a hamster on a wheel. Going nowhere - really fast. Working all the time, feeling like I'll never catch up, and it was really getting me down. Last month I got this tremendously great news about my health, but I've been catching myself in the throes of negativity more often than I'd like to admit. I was certainly off-track of my normally positive outlook. How do you practice what you preach, Girlbert? The answer wasn't coming as quickly as I would have liked, so I wrote this little reminder for myself. Maybe it'll be helpful for some of you, too.
Here some of the tricks I use to stay on track in the practice of a happy, healthy life:
I meditate. Every day - even if it's just for a few minutes. I try to stop and focus on my breathing: Inhale...Exhale. So simple, and does wonders for my stress level!
I journal. I never know when I'll need to jot something down, so I keep a small notebook with me. I tell people that good or bad, it's better to get it out of your head and on paper than let it take over your mind. Then you can look at it on page and determine if it's worth more of your energy.
I stop what I'm doing when I'm hungry and make food for myself. I make a point to consciously feed my body healthy food.
I get outside and enjoy nature. I appreciate all of the earth's creatures and taking the time to admire them renews my sense of wonder and humility.
Find the humor and laugh! There's something funny in every situation (I promise!), and if you can do that, you'll get through anything.
I cry if I need to, then pick myself up and move on. But most importantly, don't bottle it up - let it OUT! It's okay to be angry/sad/whatever, as long as you address it and move on.
I make time for the things I love to do. It's important to have a hobby or creative outlet. I started taking a watercolor class through the Cancer Center this fall, and I'm having a blast learning how to paint! Learning something new is so good for your mind, and being an art student reminds me that we're all students in the lesson that is life! I've also recently begun to take more time for my horse and my horse friends and that's been good for my spirit and to reconnect with the horse girl inside me. Reminds me that I'm still a horse girl, just waiting to get back in the saddle.
I exercise. Okay, not every day, but I try to do something to get my blood pumping at least every other day. Then I yoga or do some pilates at home on days in between. I admit I'm not a big fan of exercising for exercising's sake, but I've seen the results of with vs. without: My blood counts (taken every week) are more stable, my mood is better, and I definitely have more energy with exercise. (Don't they have some research to prove that, somewhere, too?) Not to mention I look better with a little muscle on, and who doesn't like to look good? A shaman once told me, "if you look good, you feel good."
And I have to give credit to so many healers, friends (animals, too!), shamans, energy workers, family members, doctors, holistic practitioners, and some people I've never even met; for inspiring me to be better, learn more, and HEAL. So put yourself out there - you never know who you'll meet, what you'll learn, or what you'll get back. Know that your energy, love, and support will be returned, times ten!
So there's more to the title of that last post - much more - but I opted to quit with just the facts last time. Just get everybody up to speed with the story, while taking a little more time to process and plan Part Two.
As I wrote the previous post, something struck me as I typed the words, "Believe It." They appeared on the screen before me, and I realized I had much more to share than "Just the facts, m'am". One of my mantras over my years of exploration into my own spirituality, my mission in this lifetime, on this planet; has been "If I believe it, well then it must be true," or "If you believe that, that it will be true for you." I'm always telling people: "There is so much power in what you think!" Also, "Write down what you want, and you'll have it."
I was really lucky to have this really great riding instructor, professor, and mentor in college whose mantra was, "There's no sense in practicing at all, if you're going to practice the wrong things. Practice correctly, or don't practice at all." She was, of course, talking about riding horses, but I've carried that mantra with me through all aspects of life. She's also one of the happiest, cheeriest people I know, so I'm pretty sure she applies this statement to her whole life, too.
I didn't realize how to apply it to more than riding then, but I see it so clearly now. I've been working for a long time toward the goal of being happy, and more recently, toward health. Obviously the two go hand in hand! So I practice happiness, instead of sadness. I practice making healthy choices, instead of unhealthy choices. This isn't to say I'm always happy or healthy, or that it's easy. But I make a conscious effort to practice correctly. If I get off course, I make a correction. And I learn from my mistakes. And I believe that I will achieve my goals. I write down what I want. I imagine myself succeeding. And I know anything is possible, as long as I believe it.
I struggle with doubt, sure. I have to fend off plenty of sadness. There will always be obstacles, but the point is to not let my mind be one of them. But I've made a practice of believing everything will work out in a positive way, provided that I stay focused on the positive outcome. I've had plenty of help from healers, shamans, and energy workers to help drive that point home throughout the years, and it's finally starting to stick. I'm still a student and life is one lesson after another, but practice makes perfect.
It's Valentine's Day, so I'm going to write a little something about love. Before you start rolling your eyes in expectation of something goopy about my (fabulous) boyfriend, I want you to know that I'm not talking about romance. I'm talking about love - the unconditional love that exists between us all. The love we extend to a friend, or even a stranger, when she needs it the most.
Since April, I have learned, in a most profound way, to be on the receiving end of more love, kindness, selflessness, and generosity than I thought existed in the Universe.
Thank you, all of you. I'm sending a whole Universe-full of warm, sparkly love back to you.
Stop listening to the naysayers, the doomsdayers, and the Negative Nellies. Because the only thing that matters in this world is LOVE. And you'd better believe that the more you give, the more you receive. So put it out there. There's more than enough for everyone. You do have time for love. We all do.
A lot has happened! And I intended to write everday, but I've been allowing Boyfriend to step in with major updates, because we're on the low-stress-for-Girlbert-program. And I've been trying to be a good girl, despite some peaking (drug-induced) creative and physical energy.
So this is long-winded, but hopefully broken down into enough chunks that you can all manage, whether you choose to skim it over or swallow it whole. I did attempt to put in some kind of order of importance...
Medi-Cal Continues To Give Me Seizures Boyfriend touched on this in his birthday post from yesterday, but after 7 months of hoops with Medi-Cal, I have been informed of denial due to a technicality. My case has been closed, and I will have to appeal the denial, as well as REAPPLY and start the process over to get the ball rolling back in my court again. 7 months, people. And this is after my Ninja Neurologist got me on the fast-track to approval with a letter stating that I may not be alive in a year without treatment. Unbelievable, but as always, we'll deal. We're putting our heads down with some social workers and lawyer friends, and we'll get it turned around. The squeaky wheel plan continues.
Treatment Is Going Well I am really happy to report that two weeks into chemo and radiation, I've had no debilitating side effects. All the medication I'm on has side effects, don't get me wrong, but I'm managing very well with rest, good food, a regular schedule, and loads and loads of meditation to keep my mind in order. My docs warned me that the irritation of radiation would cause some more swelling and sure enough, my seizures have increased a bit - I have one or two mild, conscious episodes a day, but only one like the episode Boyfriend wrote about on Friday, and nothing like that since. I took my activity level down a notch (steroids make me feel like Superwoman!) after Friday, and my Ninja Neurologist tweaked my seizure meds and added a sedative/anti-seizure drug for me to take at night to sleep.
My docs have all warned me that the further I get into radiation, the more side effects I may experience, as the tuber dies off (ba-bye little tuber!), and my brain may become more irritated throughout. But we're all prepared to deal - I'll get to take more naps, maybe!
The oral chemo is going really smoothly. The anti-nasuea drug seems to be doing the trick, not to mention I take my one, oral dose right before bed on an empty stomach. My only complaint is that one of the major side effects is, of course, CONSTIPATION. So despite the fact we're still pretty high raw, juicing like fiends, and I'm downing water like it's going out of style, hello hemmoroids! Good times, but not that I don't have the experience to handle it. So back to Alice I'll go, as necessary. I'll need a good cleanse when this is all over, anyway.
So just how is Au-Naturale-Girlbert and her complementary treatment plan really feel about all the drugs and western medicine? That it's the right thing for my body, right now. I'm grateful for it, and know this is the route I need to take to heal my body, and ELIMINATE THE TUBER. But I'm asking LOTS of questions. Every side effect, every medication and dosage change. And my doctors have thoroughly explained to me the necessity and purpose of each drug so that I understand the benefits for any detriments. My comfort level with all of it is quite high. My only concern is that my mind stay sharp and functional, and hasn't seemed to be an issue with all the increased spiritual practice. My mind is as clear and grounded as it's ever been, despite all the drugs. I couldn't feel more blessed.
About My Weight Many of you have asked if I'm eating. Yeah, I'm skinny. Too skinny. Skinnier than I've ever been, but I'm ravenous! But I agree that checking in at 5'8" and under 120 pounds is a bit disconcerting (haven't weighed anywhere near that since MIDDLE school!), so I asked Uber-Oncologist Dr. G, about it before I even began treatment. "I have one more question." At 6pm, the tail-end of our squeezed-in appointment to get some questions answered before I begain treatment the following week. "Sure - what's that?" He turned toward me, from the computer monitor full of my scans and charts. "I've lost a lot of weight - more than 15 pounds in a couple of months - is that the steroid making my metabolism go wild or something? I though steoids were supposed to make me gain wight. My energy has been really high, and I know they have that effect, too." "How's your appetite?" "I've been ravenous." "Have you been thirsty? Having to urinate a lot?" "Really thirsty and I have to pee all the time." "Hmm. Your blood sugar was pretty high in the hospital," he referred to his computer screen for reference, "126. Steroids can cause diabetes." The tears came instantly. "That's in my family history," I whimpered. The D-word. After watching many family members struggle with diabetes, my ultimate health goal had been to keep myself from ever having to hear a doctor tell me I had the D-word. Cancer schmancer. Dr. G shook his head reassuringly. "Dont worry - medically-induced diabetes is totally reversible. But we'll check your blood sugar in your blood tests anyway to make sure." My blood test the next day showed my blood sugar back to normal. Whew.
In the meantime, I shared this story with my brother, who shares my ultimate health goal of avoiding the D-diagnosis. Perhaps channelling our Grandma T's (sometimes inappropriate) sense of humor, he exclaimed, "Oh my - 118 pounds? Brain cancer is like the best weight loss program ever!"
And we laughed, because we're Tomlins.
About That Trip Up North... Boyfriend already touched on this in his earlier post, and I've been meaning to, oh, but for the time of really doing the words justice!
Here's the bomb: Following my treatment at the end of November, we'll be moving up to Marin County, CA - the lovely town of Fairfax, to be precise.
So you remember that trip, over a month ago, now? I experienced a profound shift while visiting our dear friends in Fairfax, and sensed an overwhelming connection to the place as a healing center. A mecca, even. Upon driving into town the first time, we came upon healing center after local market, after meditation retreat center after organic restaurant after holistic health care office, and my only thought was that this was the place for me. Seem abrupt? All I can say is that it immediately resonated with me at such a high level, it couldn't be ignored, and the 7 days we spent there only confirmed what I knew in that initial moment. Boyfriend and I both experienced a huge shift in our relationship during our stay, and we're not attributing that to any accident. We also deepened our relationship with the dear friends who put us up for the week, and can hardly wait to live in their community. Not to mention a much better proximity to a major University Hospital, more dear friends, and the Neuro-Accupuncturist I will continue to see throughout my healing journey. The utmost importance has been placed on my health, increased autonomy, adjacency to nature, proximity and access to like-minded, spirit-driven people, continued healing, and happiness.
Friends and Family Visiting I've just wrapped up well-timed visits from friends and family this week. A great girlfriend from Wisconsin was here over the weekend with her little boy, and such a treat to spend time with them - it'd been over a year since I'd seen her last. The magic of spending time with children - very healing. Then my baby cousin (okay, so she's 24!), whom I haven't seen for over 12 years, and her boyfriend stayed with us Wednesday night, and I couldn't be more thrilled to see her and connect with out-of-touch family at this time in my life. The universe continues to astound...
Relief Is On The Way In the form of more family coming in to help out, as Boyfriend and I continue to manage schedules, work, and appointments. We couldn't be more thrilled that my mom will be here next Tuesday for eight days to help out with driving, erranding, cooking and whatever. Not too mention lots of hugs and love. Just the relief of not having to drive me to treatment everyday will free up Boyfriend's schedule immensely to get some much needed work done, which will help our financial situation tremendously. Then Boyfriend's parents will be coming on November 4th for about two weeks, and we're are thrilled for the company and help. They have lots of friends in CA, too, to they're looking at it as a double treat. Can't wait to see you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
That about wraps it up! Please keep in mind that I share my journey on this blog because I believe it is a powerful tool to help me heal. Your traffic, your comments, your positive energy - I FEEL all of it, and be assured that what you put out into the universe in a loving way will come back to you in amazing and profound ways. So leave your love here, and you'll heal yourself...
Today is my late Grandma Tomlin's 100th birthday. Even as a silly, eye-rolling (all grandchildren do that, right?) kid, I appreciated my Grandma's incredible strength, humor, and that she was a horse girl, like me. As I got older, I recognized and admired how she held her incredible strength and sense of humor through all things. Grandma "T" was a divorced, single mom in the fifties, LONG before it was the thing to do, and she raised my dad to amazingness in spite of how hard it must have been. She never stopped laughing, and making all of us laugh, even as her body and mind began to fail her before she passed away.
To celebrate this big day for Grandma and I, I'd like to share a funny story about my most recent stay in the hospital.
I had been meditating in my hospital bed, Boyfriend sound asleep to my left, when the nurse came in to take my vitals at 5:50am. "Good morning, I'm Jenny. Sorry to wake you, but I need your vitals." "It's okay - you already get brownie points because your name is Jenny - one of my closest friends is a Jenny." "Well actually the latin version is Juanita, but I go by the American version because I like it better." "Really? I didn't know the American version of Juanita was Jenny. Juanita was my grandma's name. I guess it's no coincidence I like Jennys, huh?" Or that I had just been talking to Grandma T.
I have long sought out Grandma's strength and humor during my own hard times, knowing that I hold some piece of her within me. And it never fails - Grandma has always been there when I need her. So I'm celebrating her all the more today by taking her with me as I go for my first radiation treatment.
Hours prior to my release from the hospital on Thursday, my shaman called. I hadn't spoken to him all week, but a mutual friend made him aware of my condition and subsequent hospital stay.
"Lisa, a great shaman and teacher with whom I trained with in Nepal, is in LA for the weekend, and I've arranged for you to meet with her on Saturday at 10am. Can you be there?"
He had no idea that barring any hang-ups with my discharge from the hospital, I was planning on being in LA for the weekend while Boyfriend did some sailing work. Crazy. Timing.
Everything slid into place, and the trip was underway. The numbness continued in my left side on Friday, with one instance of increase tingling and vibration in the car, but I shut it down quickly with meditation and breath.
Saturday I took a cab to and from the hotel to meet A. Gratitude and humility overwhelmed me upon introduction to the shaman. and her translator, I sensed that this tremendous opportunity was an indication that the universe was hard at work. For me. I told my story before she began her work. The translator interpreteted her words as she resonated with my situation and performed a healing ritual and blessing.
"The planets are very unhappy with you - they have been since you were 24 years old." The year I moved to Colorado.
"The changes you have made recently are good - they are helping, and you must continue." I clarified that my increased spiritual practice was a step in the right direction. I had actually began increasing my spiritual practice a couple of weeks back, and have been meditating for several hours a day now since. The shift has been quite profound.
"Yes, that has been very helpful - the gods see that you are helping yourself, and they want to help you. But the next 6-7 months will be very hard - you must continue your practice, continue with the work and the changes, it will help immensely. After those months, things will get much easier for you." The translator relayed instructions from the spirits as to rituals and exercises I need to practice on my own as I move forward. Lots of homework.Homework is good.
"You need to pursue western medical treatment as necessary, but keep your body and spirit strong with these exercises. Practice them every week, and practice them every day you have your treatments, too. Pray to the spirits and planets to keep you strong and heal you as you move forward." The energy and presence of spirit I felt in that room. was more tangible, more palpable than anything I can do justice with words. Gratitude overwhelmed me throughout my meeting and stayed as I departed with feeling of healing, peace, support and calm.
Back at the hotel, I peacefully reflected I had never felt so grounded and whole in my entire life. The tingling in my left side was GONE. I'm doing this! I'm going to heal myself, and I'm already on my way. Clarity overwhelms.
After racing on Saturday, Boyfriend picked me up and we attended dinner with the owners and crew of the red boat. A marvelous group, with a couple of breast cancer survivors among them, all shared their hugs, well wishes, stories and strength with me throughout dinner. Thank you. And despite the increased activity on my mind and body, even after a week of bedrest, not a sign of a tingle, much less a seizure, all night!
Sunday while Boyfriend raced, I split my time in the hotel between meditating and utilizing the high-speed wireless and down time to gather information on the chemo-radiation treatment options I'm facing. So I have lots of notes for my appointments this week, beginning this morning with my appointment at the Cancer Center of Santa Barbara with my radiation oncologist, Dr. S. Can't wait to learn more as I proceed with tuber-removal planning.
Still no sign of a tingle. It's go time, little tuber.