Empowerment, My Ninja Neurologist, and My New Swami Social Worker

Try as I might, it's impossible to stay calm and relaxed if my partner is anything but.

Boyfriend is struggling to keep his head above water as I've cut back on my work-load (read: he's doing it ALL - did I mention he's a superhero?) He's been working increasingly long hours, juggling our little shoestring-operation by himself as we take on our very first paying web clients.  Yesterday, in the heat of some kind of anxiety-fueled frustration, he looked at me and said, "You're just going to have to get it together, because we have to pay our bills."  

Note to anyone who ever has to live with someone who has a large tumor in the emotional center of her brain, is on anti-seizure medication that sometimes heightens, or then again sometimes dulls, her senses, and never has never been good with stress, anyway: NEVER tell her that she's "just going to have to get it together." Those words actually cause her brain to go numb, if not melt into a puddle, and greatly increase her risk of seizure.  

And it was a doozy.  As I was lying in bed, going over the day's many low points, internally wording comebacks at everyone with whom I've ever been pissed, wishing Boyfriend would just LAY off, but feeling terribly GUILTY that I'm no help on our quest for financial stability WHATSOEVER...

Shit.  I'm having a seizure.  I've given myself a fucking seizure.  "Honey, wake up - I'm having a seizure."

Later, I asked him how long it lasted.  He thought one to two minutes, but it felt like twenty.  Stronger than the last one, and I hadn't even missed any medication.  Double shit.

It just so happened that I had an appointment with my neurologist today.  I was unreasonably nervous - I hadn't done any of the "homework" he'd given me since my last appointment, six weeks ago: check out treatment options and alternative therapies, get an appointment with a neuro-oncologist for a second opinion.  And now I was going to have to tell him that I'd had not one, but two seizures since I saw him last.  I felt like the bad kid, having to tell my teacher "the dog ate my homework".  Just lame.  I pictured my Ninja Neurologist, all disappointed, writing me off, for not doing my part in my own treatment.  I pictured myself, begging him not to give up on me.  Making 'excuses' for myself, like, "I had so much paperwork to fill out, we have rent and bills to pay, I did a lot of research on raw foods, completely changed my diet, and am working on a divorce-related, patient-financial-assistance stumbling block!  Did I mention all the county and state patient assistance paperwork?  Wait!  Come back!"

Was he disappointed?  Maybe a little.  Did he threaten to write me off?  Nope.  Just offered ideas, and words of encouragement, and emphasized the importance of pursuing treatment options.  He recognized the validity of my brain-cancer-damsel-in-distress, and swooped to the rescue with rapid-fire solutions:

"The patient assistance programs are so frustrating and slow.  I'm going to have you to talk to Swami, one of the social workers here - he's really good - because this needs to change.  I can see that you've done all you can and you're not getting anywhere.  We need to get you scanned again, but I don't want to order an MRI until you have some financial aid lined up, because I don't want to keep racking up bills for you to worry about.  If you're having seizures, that's not good.  I'd like to up your dosage a bit - from two pills a day to three."  By the time we got to the meds, I was relieved - man, do I hate those damn seizures! 

Once I figured out he really was in my corner (AGAIN!  Why don't I get that?), kicking some brain tumor and state-funding ass on my behalf, relief washed over me like a delicious shower in a world with an endless supply of water.

So my Ninja Neurologist got me all lined up to talk to my new Swami Social Worker, who was nothing short of amazing.  He's the first social worker (in a long list) I've met with who's been empathetic, but savvy and insightful.  I'm smiling right now as I think about his encouraging, knowing grin.  He actually told me, "You've done everything you can do and should do.  You're way ahead of the game - but it's an undignified process.  In fact you're standing at the crux of what's happening politically and socially in this country right now.  It's ridiculous.  It's disgraceful.  And you're a living, breathing example of why it needs to change."

Hello, Empowerment.  Nice to meet you.