Turns out that not having to take chemo every six weeks frees up a lot of your time and energy to do other things. It's been four years since my journey through cancer began, and I am beginning to feel as though I am finally to the other side. But it's not the place I started, in any way - it's brighter and much more open to possibilities. Each day is much less of "Here's what I have to do today", and more of, "I wonder what exciting things will present themselves today?" Some days, it's even, "Look what I'm creating today!"
This story illustrates my point best. Late last year, after having finished my chemo, I was feeling pretty lost - as miserable as taking poison to kill your cancer can be, it had been my routine, my job, for three and a half years. Then it was over - what now? I wasn't feeling well yet, but I didn't have the chemo to point to as an excuse for not getting on with life. As somebody who likes to feel useful, I helplessly watched our finances flatline, then bottom out right around Christmas - "the most wonderful time of the year". Holiday tunes, celebratory soirées and decking out our cabin in the woods did little to lift my spirits as we struggled with rent. I questioned whether my pre-chemo energy would return. And my little brain struggled to hold on to the lessons of cancer as real-world reality and all of its responsibilities returned. My spiritual studies were being pushed aside by fear, anxiety, and even a little envy as our bank accounts dried up.
So many things I wanted to do, but we needed money - fast! I could I sell my art, but I hardly had time or the creative juices to paint, much less find a place to hang them. I want to teach riding lessons, but no one is calling me for help with their horses. Maybe I have to get a job in an office, or making coffees, or waiting tables - I have hardly any experience with any of those things, but whatever I can to to contribute to our income...
In a last ditch effort to find work in horses, I went to a handful of Santa Barbara riding stables. Most of them were busy, but when I was able to speak with someone, "Sorry, we're not hiring instructors," was the most frequent response. That's okay - I'm not ready to get back into a show barn anyway. So I stopped in at the local therapeutic riding center, Hearts Therapeutic, Kirby at Hearts sat down with me for a few minutes and told me that their program only hires PATH certified instructors ($$$) and depends solely on volunteers for other jobs. She invited me to volunteer, because "there are a lot of folks from the local horse community who volunteer, and you might make some connections."
Volunteer? But I need to make money! True, but I might die of equine-deficiency disease in the meantime, rent money or not! I NEED horse time, so what's a horse girl without a horse (or lesson money) to do? So back to Hearts I went for Volunteer Orientation and Training. And I remembered - horses, learning, helping people - this is what feeds my soul! These are the reasons I was put on this planet, and I'm back at it!
And you know what? Two weeks later, I was already having the time of my life, learning lots of new things, meeting lots of new friends, and yes, making lots of connections, when Kirby pulled me into her office.
"I hear you're looking for a job," she said with a smile.