Reminding Myself

Since Brain Tumor (SBT), many people have told me what an inspiration I am.  My boyfriend keeps reminding me.  I keep rolling my eyes.  Because while I'm certainly honored to be able to inspire others, I know I'm not positive all the time.  It's been one peak followed by many valleys, then the occasional peak, followed by more valleys.  Don't get me wrong, I've witnessed the power of positive energy - and I've been blessed by it's benefits.  But I've also spent too much time ridden with guilt.  Guilt over feeling as though I'm a burden.  Financially and emotionally, on my friends and my family.  On Boyfriend.  He's seen me cry, cry, and cry some more over the last month, and on my worst days, I worry that the crying alone will bring him to the conclusion that I'm not worth the trouble, no matter how inspiring, amazing, and beautiful I may be on my best days.

Silly girl.

Guilt is really the most useless of all feelings.  I'm an advocate for feeling what you need to feel, whether it be sadness, anger, or whatever.  Let it out.  Don't hold it in, or it will eat you alive.  First-hand experience has made me wiser than I once was about keeping things to myself.  This is easier said than done, because guilt is it's own planet.  I've spent entirely too much energy feeling guilty over that which is out of my control.  Focusing on my mistakes.  Dismissing my accomplishments and the gifts I have to offer.  It doesn't do us any good, that guilt.  If you have truly done something to warrant feelings of guilt, do something about it, make the wrong a right, and MOVE ON.  Most of our feelings of guilt are just assumptions that a we've made someone feel bad, and you know what?  That someone can talk to me about it and we can work it out, or he can hold it against me, and it's out of my hands.  It's HIS problem, and I can't be responsible for how SOMEONE ELSE feels.

None of us can.

But I can take responsibility for my own happiness.  Just like I did almost two years ago, when I decided I needed to come to California.  By myself.  So I did.  And it taught me that if I do the best thing for myself, it will be the best thing for everyone else, too.

As Boyfriend continues to remind me; I have my words, my positive energy and my love.  If I can give that, and someone gets something out of it, if someone is inspired to do something nice for someone else, well, that's a pretty big gift for everyone, myself included. 

We all have gifts to give.  What are yours?  Remind yourself. (In the comments, of course!)